What kind of tired are you?
Sometimes tiredness is asking for more than sleep.
Have you ever felt incredibly tired when, on paper, you had no obvious reason to be?
You've slept enough, or at least no less than usual. You haven't done anything particularly strenuous and your mood seems okay. And yet, by early evening, you are so very tired that all you can think of is your bed and some time away from the world.
That's how it was for me a little while ago.
It wasn't the pleasant tiredness after a full day's work. And it wasn't the total sense of depletion that I sometimes feel when my nervous system is overstimulated — too much time on devices, not enough time being still.
This was different. It felt like genuine tiredness that I couldn't explain.
It surprised me because my mood seemed okay, so I assumed I was doing okay too.
But looking back, I realised I had been processing quite a lot emotionally — uncertainty and emotional upheaval that I hadn't really given myself credit for. The story I carry inside is: “My life is good and I have so much to be grateful for. What have I got to be tired or upset about?”
And yet, because of that, I can sometimes downplay my own emotional struggles or difficulties. I believe my tiredness was my body's way of asking for some extra self-compassion, care and comfort while I was moving through it.
The thing is, our emotional lives don't necessarily announce themselves as emotions. They can show up as tiredness, physical tension, a restless mind, disrupted sleep or a need to withdraw.
Not all tiredness is the same
There is the obvious physical tiredness — the tiredness that comes after using your body, working, exercising, gardening, walking or simply having a full day.
There is mental tiredness — after concentrating, making decisions, solving problems and having your mind constantly occupied.
And there is the tiredness that can come with emotional upheaval — grief, uncertainty, conflict, change or simply having a lot going on beneath the surface.
These experiences don't live in a bubble inside our minds. They are embodied. They can affect our breathing, muscle tension, sleep, concentration, digestion and sense of fatigue.
And sometimes we can feel exhausted without quite understanding why.
When tiredness results in restlessness
The opposite can be true too.
There have been times when I felt tired from a place of deep overwhelm with my nervous system in overload. But instead of resting and giving myself space to process what was happening, I busied myself and just kept doing things that weren't even strictly necessary or important.
Even though I knew that going for a walk in the bush, sitting quietly doing pranayama (yogic breathwork), or letting myself deeply relax with Yoga Nidra can help, I didn't really engage with those practices — or, if I did, I did so only half-heartedly, with my mind still ruminating.
I didn't give my nervous system much of a chance to settle, which isn't particularly conducive to feeling settled enough to sleep.
Looking back, I think part of me felt safer staying wired than relaxing, letting go and connecting with what was going on inside.
So I've noticed that emotional strain can show up in me in two very different ways:
Sometimes I become deeply tired and want to withdraw into comfort.
At other times I become restless and busy, as though I can make the discomfort go away by doing something.
What actually helps us recover?
I think I often equate recovery with doing less, but perhaps it is a little more nuanced than that.
Sometimes what I need is sleep.
Sometimes I need movement.
Sometimes I need time alone.
Sometimes I need connection with someone I trust.
Sometimes I need to talk about what is happening.
Sometimes I need to gaze into thin air and do absolutely nothing.
And sometimes my body needs an opportunity to feel safe enough to soften.
For me, massage, quiet time in nature, breathing, Yoga Nidra and meditation are ways of creating that space. They create a sense of homecoming, a sense of grounding and connection to something larger than my little self. Perhaps the question to start asking is:
What kind of tired am I?
Before reaching for advice on how to establish a good sleep routine, perhaps it is worth listening to the tiredness itself.
Am I physically tired?
Mentally overloaded?
Emotionally full or drained?
Exhausted but unable to settle?
Or have I been pushing myself when what I really need is to pause?
I'm finding that paying attention to the quality of my tiredness can help me understand what I need and take better care of myself.
What might your tiredness be asking for?
With warmth,
Uschi
Kind Living
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David
Psychologist Susan David shares how the way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility. A talk to share.